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Happy Tuesday, everybody. What a glorious time to be alive. Unless you’re a rat. Then you’re probably going to die, especially if you’re a rat down in the subway. Have you seen the crime going on down there? It’s so bad that rats are now pushing each other in front of trains. Too soon?

But it’s worse at Boston University – Go Felons – where researchers have developed a new COVID strain that has an 80% kill rate. Who did they receive a grant from? The Ted Bundy Foundation? But it means it must be time for.

[VIDEO]

NARRATOR: Oh, come on. Haven’t we learned anything, people?

Well, that was highly professional.  Wow. Our budget must be growing. Oh, wow. Okay. They came upon this new strain following experiments that were first thought to have caused a pandemic that had already killed millions. Because if when at first, you don’t succeed, kill, kill again. That could be Hillary’s slogan in ’24. The new variant is a combo of Omicron and the original Wuhan virus, and it killed eight out of ten infected mice. It’s 80% cat.

Meanwhile, the original variant actually killed six out of six rats, making it more lethal. Except you can’t compare it because it’s ten versus six rats. That’s science. Meaning whatever these researchers are doing in there, maybe they shouldn’t be. Really, why not cure cancer? Or at the very least, herpes? I got to stop going to Panama City.

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When the mice were only exposed to Omicron, they experienced mild symptoms. Hell, most of them still went to work, you know, chewing through city cable and ******* with the pigeons. So they took a spike protein from that virus, attached it to the more severe strain that was first detected at the pandemic’s onset. It was either doing that or put the mice in a New York City nursing home, but Andrew Cuomo doesn’t run those anymore.

Then they documented the results. The results? The mice died. Finally, payback for the bubonic plague. Now, I read that the new strain has five times more infectious particles like it’s a commercial for a new and improved cereal. Yeah. Try the new COVID now with two scoops of virus. You know, I always thought science was supposed to help make life safer. After all, they gave us nuclear weapons, drug resistant bacteria and gender affirmation surgery.

So why take something dangerous and make it worse? That’s like inventing a car with air bags, but you replace the air with hot soup. Hell, why not make more deadly fentanyl while you’re at it? Or how about some gun-shaped cell phones? That’ll be a big hit at school. Damn, it’s like casting Alec Baldwin in a RoboCop reboot. Yeah, wait till they hear my idea for washable toilet paper.

Now, Boston U calls the media reports false and why should we believe them? I mean, that’s where AOC got her economics degree. But it appears the school is trying to kill the story when they should stick to killing people with lab-made diseases. But they claim that it’s actually less dangerous but was sensationalized by the media, which can’t happen.

They also say this research will provide a public benefit by leading to better targeted therapeutic interventions. Which, if you remember, was the premise behind the original gain of function research, meaning it’s not good when your repudiation sounds just like Dr. Fauci’s. You know, they said the mice data was taken out of context, meaning it’s really the mice that’s at fault. You know, they might have been overweight or smokers. And let me guess. That death count includes mice killed in car crashes while having COVID. It’s a callback.

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But maybe they’re right. They might be highly susceptible mice. They must have been vaccinated. We went to a mouse for comment.

[SKIT]

INTERVIEWER: So what are your thoughts on this Boston study?

MOUSE: What is this for, ‘Hannity’? 

INTERVIEWER: Gutfeld! 

MOUSE: Never heard of him. Look, my cousin died in that study. That’s what you get for doing a non-union job. Me? I’ve tested all the best; cosmetics, cocaine, Relief Factor. And they all help me finish my screenplay. Well, I got to run. My wife’s stuck in a glue trap.

INTERVIEWER: There you have it, Greg. Back to you.

I hate those glue traps. But I feel better knowing that maybe it’s not so bad after all. But this research raises the most important question, perhaps, in history. Where did all this **** come from? Did we create it in a lab or did China create it in a lab? But when anybody asks, they’re mocked. You notice it’s always the smart, curious folks asking the right questions who always get mocked. I mean, Columbus was called it A-hole when he suggested the Earth might be round. Or was it Colombo? 

Bottom line, an extremely novel virus escapes in a town where there’s a gain of function lab, and it’s traced back to that area where viruses are actually created. Not found, but created. And a bunch of people working there got sick and they won’t let investigators look around. The virus acts like no other virus found in the wild, constantly changing, resisting the old therapies, killing the weak. It’s so freaky that people wonder if it was bio warfare, meaning made by man. Sorry, I mean ‘person.’ Women can make horrible viruses too.

We still don’t know. And yet, what’s our government doing? They’re not investigating that. They’re investigating this. Yeah. Apparently to these idiots, the Jan. 6 hearings are way more important than possibly saving humanity itself. So it seems that the only thing truly protected is COVID’s origin. Just blame it on people who eat bats, even though bats never gave COVID to Ozzy Osborn. Meanwhile, enjoy your new strain. I hear it’s really mild, unless you’re a rat. And please don’t worry. Stress makes you more susceptible to disease. At least that’s what the experts say.

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